If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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