I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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