I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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