I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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