im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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