she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
