when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
