This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
