Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
