dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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