I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You are the jesus of drinking
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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