she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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