Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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