you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
