Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize