I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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