Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
