Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
