Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
