I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
