every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
whose parrot is this?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
