why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
