went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
