I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
