Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
