also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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