White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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