Your tits are I can't wait for
i love accidental penises.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
