did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
