the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
