You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My life is pants optional.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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