The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
