woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
