Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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