Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
