My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
