I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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