You smell like stripper and shame
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
