12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
