Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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