Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
why is half of my head shaved?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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