My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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