did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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