Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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