As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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