I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
