He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
