Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
