I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
