If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
