He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
