forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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