We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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