I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
whose ass print is on the piano?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
