I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well I just put wine in my tea
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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