Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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