we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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