Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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