Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
